Something to ponder....

I considered it a personal obligation – after the experiences I had, not just in Scientology, but most of all in the process of leaving – to support any "expert" who tried to keep both individuals and society from the harm that arose in connection with "cult" operations. I ran into one argument in particular rather often, that of "self-determination." People never could
understand how it was, and to what extent peoples own convictions and perceptions could be turned around. Perhaps hearing about my own experiences could be a step towards better understanding for some of these people.

I had already gotten several weeks past my introduction into Scientology. The way to the "org" had become just as routine to me as the way to the university. Irritation at strange or objectionable course material had not yet put the damper on the enthusiasm for my new interests. One day I told a friend of mine there, a high-ranking Scientologist, how much I liked a song by Roger Whittacker, and that whenever I wanted more energy to get my assigned duties done, all I needed to do was hum this song. It worked even when I wanted to do something else entirely.

Instead of getting excited about this (like I expected), my friend was alarmed. How often did it happen, he asked, that I was feeling "down"? Could someone be re-writing my emotional life for me, varying it between "jumping for joy and deathly depressed"? I didnt see it quite that dramatically, and mentioned things like biorhythm and hormone cycles, but my friend stayed anxious. He thought that everything pointed to me being under the influence of a suppressive personality, and that I desperately needed help.

Somewhat confused, but at the same time curious (and probably also duly impressed by suddenly being the center of attention), I followed him into the "org." It was decided there, that the suppressive should be discovered in the course of a special "auditing" session and that his power over me should be rendered ineffective.

Exposing the person happened rather swiftly. It turned out my mother had repeatedly made ironic, or even sarcastic comments about my enthusiasm for Scientology and about individual Scientologists! Problem solved. The suppressive person had been found, and in the course of the auditing session, I "naturally" had a "cognition" that my mother had not only been making critical comments about Scientology, but that she had also caused me uncertainty and had discouraged me in the past.

The second phase of the operation was boring. I had to tell about all the times my mother made me feel discouraged, did not take me seriously, or about any other situation in which I felt I had been treated poorly. Each incident was told several times over (supposedly to make its power over me disappear). When the auditor thought the incident was "discharged," then he looked for earlier, similar incidents.

This procedure lasted several hours. At the end it "was clear to me" what a ruinous influence my mother had over my life. From that point on, I could seldom face her without suspicion. Many incidents that, from an impartial point of view, could have been interpreted as an entirely normal part of cutting the [figurative umbilical] cord process, seemed to me a constant confirmation of her "anti-social" character.

Due to natural affection and a close family bond my mother and I were able to get along on her terms, but, "thanks" to the many hours of auditing in which I repeatedly recounted negative incidents about her auditing never "defused" anything unless it was positive), my antagonism toward her sprang to life on more than one occasion.

The influence of such measures stayed with me a lot longer than my enthusiasm for Scientology. It was not until a later time that I became aware of what was actually being "run" in these sessions, and I began to consciously tackle what I had done. And wouldnt you know it, the more I talked about my mother during auditing, the more clear it became to me that I had done her wrong. While she was by no means perfect the only people who think they are are Scientologists), she had no doubt done the best she could for her children. In some situations she was in over her head; probably, like many grown-ups, she just lacked the knowledge she needed to react. But the auditing described above certainly put a stop to any mature mother-daughter relationship for several years.

Today I am aware that there are other former Scientologists who went around for years with the
enemy-images created in Scientology, sometimes without recognizing the source of their problems. And I ask myself how many relationships have been destroyed – perhaps forever – in a similar manner. How do children handle it with one parent a Scientology and one not? What happens to their loyalties and their inner struggle in a Scientology relationship? ... –

There are many open questions, and I sometimes am afraid about how they will be answered.......

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